Sharing our Grief

Ladies Circle

2012-01-22T10:26:00.004-06:00

I like traveling and meeting people from different cultures, and I believe we learn so many things from each other. In Middle Eastern culture, ladies meet any time they have a chance. They prepare some sweets and snacks plus tea or coffee, and they talk about their lives, their feelings, their children and anything that concerns them.
At the end of this ladies circle everybody is happy and ready to go home. This way these ladies connect with each other, and research supports this idea that “girlfriend time helps us to create more serotonin - a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create general feelings of well being”.

Happy New Year

2011-12-28T21:03:00.007-06:00

I have found the following from a collection of poems edited by Susan Polis Schutz, and I especially dedicate this to my dearest friend. Life can be hard sometimes …. But it’s going to be okay.

There are times when we can’t explain
the difficulties we face,
but one thing is certain:
we all face them at some point.
There are some difficulties
that shape us for a lifetime,
and some that leave us
only momentarily changed.

Some of us will search
deep within our souls for answers
we may or may not find.
But in that searching,
we may find that
the difficulties we face
will diminish,
and we can come to accept
not only what we’ve come through,
but the pain we’ve experienced,
as well.

Creative Activity

2011-11-26T17:18:00.007-06:00

Baking is a leisure activity I do to be creative and reduce my anxiety level.

Acceptance

2011-10-30T20:13:00.004-05:00

People always search for happiness in their lives, and I believe acceptance of your current situation is the number one key to happiness. Last week I have experienced stressful situation, and somehow panicked so I decided to accept the problem and plan wisely. Acceptance made a huge difference

Managing Stress

2011-09-25T16:09:00.003-05:00

I believe everyone should have a leisure activity to manage her/his stress. I usually enjoy walking in fall season, and it is the best stress management technique. I have read somewhere that “engaging in leisure activities can make an important contribution to your physical and mental well-being”.
What is your leisure activity to relax?

When you are hopeless

2011-08-21T18:33:00.002-05:00

Sometime you may loose your dreams and hopes, and feel completely helpless. In cases such as this what would you do? I find this poem that might be an answer to anyone in hopeless situation:

“Maybe at this moment you feel your chance has passed,
Believe when one door closes
Another stands ajar.
Another chance awaits you
to find a lucky star.
You’ll find a silver lining
In every cloudy sky.”

Grieving Person

2011-07-12T17:13:00.002-05:00

Some people have a hard time to deal with loss of a loved one. Grief is intense emotional reaction to loss of a loved one, and in order to help a grieving person we should:

• Gain their trust
• Listen to their concerns
• Try to be there for them while they are having a hard time to deal with it
• Be patient with them, and give them some time to heal

Every July 15 brings an intense emotional pain for my family, and we remember Hannah and Hope.

A new Blog

2011-06-18T18:34:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine has a great hobby, and she makes a handmade potteries. Please take a look at her work at http://mitraspottery.blogspot.com

Hobbies

2011-06-11T10:20:00.002-05:00

Hobbies are the best way to deal with stress, and also fill your time with joy. Here is a beaded necklace which is made by a friend. He enjoys making necklaces from semi precious colorful beads.

Avocado Plant

2011-05-22T14:52:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine taught me how to grow an avocado plant from a seed, and I have planted a few in small pots at home, and it has been a new hobby for me. I started from an avocado seed, and now I have three nice plants which make me happy whenever I look at them.

How to support a person who has lost a loved one

2011-05-10T15:40:00.006-05:00

Acknowledge their sad feelings, be ready to listen to their concerns, ask them if they need anything special that you could do for them such as cooking or helping them to organize their home. We have to understand that each one of us deals with loss in a different way, and there is no right or wrong way to cope with a loss. Everyone will find their own way.

Helpful Video

2011-04-12T19:17:00.002-05:00

If you suffer from neck pain while using computer this educational video might be helpful.

Spring

2011-03-27T17:55:00.007-05:00

Here are some colorful and beautiful pictures of spring.

How to Deal with Loss

2011-03-06T11:36:00.002-06:00

So many people ask me, “how I could forget about my loss”, and I believe you never forget the experience of loss of a loved one but it will be easier to deal with it as time will go by.
The best ways to deal with grief is accepting the reality of our loss, and give our self sometime to deal with pain and sorrow. Remembering our loved ones in every special occasion such as their birthdays or anniversaries, and doing something special will be helpful.

A Recipe for a Healthy Relationship

2011-02-12T13:35:00.004-06:00

When you cook or bake you need to have a recipe, here are some ingredients for a healthy relationships:

o We have to understand that relationship requires some effort, and both parties need to respect each other.
o Care about each other, and seek solutions rather than blame one another.
o Talk about your feelings, and better communication will help you.
o Accept the differences among each other.
o Try to fight fair so you are not calling names or be violent with your partner, and believe me fighting could be healthy if you know how to fight properly.
o Changing the problematic behaviors are important too, and this one requires practice and patience
o So please start cooking!

Oppossum

2011-01-16T15:29:00.001-06:00

Paying attention to nature may help you relax and find something interesting about animals around you. One morning with a cup of coffee in my hand I have found an opossum with her baby. Isn’t interesting?

Happy Holidays

2010-12-22T18:26:00.003-06:00

May your holiday season be bright with happiness.

Family members who have passed away

2010-11-09T11:42:00.004-06:00

Life and death are inevitable, so live the fullest life in between. Every holiday seasons, I remember those family members who have passed away, our precious moments with each other, our laughs, our dinner tables, and so many other memories from different occasions.I see the old pictures as a proof of our happiness and love.

Friendship

2010-09-19T14:03:00.005-05:00

I have received an email from a friend and I would like to share that with you. The exact email is as follows:

“Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
someone who changes your life
just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh
until you can’t stop;
someone who makes you believe
that there really is good in the world”

Having a friendly attitude toward your partner is a wonderful tool in your long-lasting relationship.

Quality Time

2010-08-19T18:05:00.003-05:00

We all know the importance of quality time that we spend with our family members and loved ones. It is very important for my family to spend a quality time at the dinner table, and a little effort would go a long way. These are the simple facts in our daily lives that sometimes we forget about them.

Anniversary

2010-07-17T13:54:00.003-05:00

Last month we celebrated our 11th years of marriage, and look forward to celebrating many years. When I look back to my family history, I remember that my grandparents lived 50 years together, and were able to celebrate their 50th anniversary. What a great experience!

Every year, July 15 would remind us a painful experience, and is the day we have lost our both babies. I remember the day we berried them, and it seemed to be just like yesterday. All of a sudden I felt pain and sense of hopelessness. We have found a new ways to make our lives interesting and meaningful again. Let’s be grateful for what we have in life, and celebrate every moment when we are with friends or family members.

Life Lessen Quote

2010-05-07T12:29:00.003-05:00

I just received a beautiful quote from a friend, and I would like to share it with you. If you are planning to achieve your goals while facing difficult obstacles please read this:

If there are a hundred steps
In thy path to success
And ye have not reached it
In ninety-nine of them
Do not conclude
That the journey is a failure
Press on and up…
the prizes are generally at the end of an effort,
not at its beginning…
and not to go on
is to miss them.
Be valiant… have faith in yourself.
Success belongs to him
who dares to win it.

George S. Forest

Relationship

2010-04-24T17:51:00.005-05:00

I work with people who want to have a better relationship with their partners, and it is the most rewarding experience when you see the positive results. I believe we need to work on our relationship or marriage constantly. Marital relationship needs nurture, just like a beautiful plant that needs your care. If you take care of your marriage you will have many happy years ahead of you.

Unemployment

2010-04-10T12:49:00.002-05:00

A friend asked me “what kind of people you are working with”, and I found her question valid and interesting.

Last year I arranged workshops for people who were affected by downsizing, and it was a great experience for me. Most of people, feel hopeless and lost when they experience unemployment. Their lives turn a 180 degree in a different and scary direction. They are afraid of unknown future, and I do not blame them. As a family we have experienced it several times.

So, if you are facing an involuntary unemployment try to talk about your feelings, options, and plans. Attending some support groups or workshops will be helpful. I provide individual and support group for people who are facing unemployment due to downsizing.

Cedar Waxwings

2010-03-22T13:53:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, we had unexpected guests. I heard distinct noise coming from outside, and I looked at tall tree in our back yard, and then I saw about 40 beautiful birds. Yes they were Cedar Waxwings.

Today is the second day of spring so pay attention to the nature and enjoy these beautiful days despite of problems you may have.

Happy Birthday Hannah

2010-03-04T16:49:00.004-06:00

Today is an especial day for us. It is Hannah’s birthday. Hannah was born on March 4, 2002 and we lost her due to complications in NICU on July 15, 2002. We were parents for a short time, and we miss her.

Grieving Signs of Miscarriage

2010-02-26T10:51:00.004-06:00

Women who have experienced miscarriage may have different feelings such as Fears, sadness, depression, frustration, lower self-esteem, and fear about future pregnancies. Give them some time to heal, and in some cases grief counseling is helpful.

On Hannah’s funeral I felt that I have lost part of me for ever, and the same story repeated with Hope in the following year.

Happy Valentine’s Day

2010-02-13T17:05:00.001-06:00

“Every day show your family how much you love them with your words, with your touch, and with your thoughtfulness” (Jackson Brown, 1991).

The picture above is my gift to my husband on Valentine’s Day. Please appreciate your loved ones.

Empathy

2010-02-06T17:57:00.005-06:00

When you lose a loved one, even your job or a pet, then you would like people around you show some empathy. Based on my experience some people could be so insensitive to our feelings or some may even don’t know how to behave around someone who is dealing with any kind of loss.

You may even don’t want to share your feelings and needs. When you attend any support group for your particular loss, you will learn from others who are dealing with the same issues, and they really listen to your concerns. Please remember your family members wouldn’t know what is going through your head unless you share your feelings, and discuss what exactly you need at that moment.

Sharing Our Grief Club

2010-01-25T16:22:00.003-06:00

Sharing our grief club is designed for:

• Those who have experienced loss of a baby
• Is an interactive, educational, and therapeutic class which is conducted by a psychotherapist
• Members share their feelings and stories
• Learn how to deal with loss
• This club will meet upon members request once a month
• There is no charge for membership

For more information contact me through my website: www.shadanferdousi.com.

Announcement

2010-01-18T13:08:00.002-06:00

Loosing a baby is the most painful event in couple’s life. Attending support groups are helpful because you will soon understand that you are not alone when members share their stories, and express their feelings in the group.

So I am planning to arrange a club for couples or individuals who have lost a baby due to preterm labor, stillborn baby, or miscarriage. So if you have lost a baby no matter how long a go, please consider being a member of sharing our grief club. It will be free, and
I will discuss the club’s agenda in my next postings.

People I Met Recently

2010-01-07T17:27:00.001-06:00

I met a very nice lady in late December at doctor’s office, and we had a conversation regarding her loss. She had lost her husband after 50 years of marriage. It would be so difficult to loose your partner after a long time.

On New Years Eve, I met a man who had lost his wife a few months ago due to an illness. I am sure he has so many good memories to remember.

These two people reminded me that loss of a loved one is the most complicated experience, and especially the first few months could be difficult

Happy New Year

2009-12-30T11:07:00.001-06:00

Last year you may have faced some difficult situations such a financial hardship, loss of a loved one, a job loss, and etc.

We are welcoming year 2010; so have a positive attitude. Open the door for new opportunities and experiences, and I wish you a successful new year.

Remembering Our Loss

2009-12-18T17:10:00.003-06:00

In this holiday season my family is remembering Hannah and Hope. They came to our lives for a short time. When I look back, I do realize that we had courage to face difficult moments.

We wish you a great and safe holiday season.

Why Now?

2009-12-04T17:05:00.001-06:00

Have you ever asked yourself this question: Why Now?
Why you feel sad during holiday seasons while others are excited and happy? You are not alone, and many people feel sad during holidays for so many reasons. If you feel sad all the time, here are some signs that you need to pay attention to them:

o Sleeping too much or insomnia
o Restlessness or slowness observed by others
o Can’t make any decisions and can’t concentrate
o Feeling down all day
o Blaming yourself too much and feeling worthless
o Fatigue or loss of energy nearly everyday
o Significant change in weight or appetite
o No longer interested in favorite activities
o Thinking about death frequently

In every holiday season I would miss family members that I have lost, and I remember our happy memories. I would always remind myself that I was fortunate to have them in my life.

Holidays and You

2009-11-21T10:01:00.004-06:00

If you have lost a loved one, having relationship difficulties, currently lost your job, then you are definitely grieving for your loss. Perhaps you don’t see any reason to celebrate the holidays.

My advice to you:

o Celebrate people whom you love or once loved, and they are no longer with you.
o Create some fun in your life.
o Enjoy the moments.
o Add some exercises in your daily routine.
o Enjoy colorful foods of the season.

Life never stays the same; you may have a problem today and who knows about tomorrow. Every holiday season, we visit our babies’ gravesides. It gives us a peaceful feeling. So make your own holidays plan and enjoy your moments.

God bless and have safe and great holidays.

Touching Words

2009-11-13T15:02:00.006-06:00

I was going through my graduate school papers, and I have found a paper about loss& grief. This paper was written on July 21, 2002 a week after loosing Hannah.

Here is a part of my paper:

We lost Hannah because of complications due to prematurity, but our love will always be there for her. Love never dies. I feel tired, confused, sad, and lost. Oh baby remembering your name may bring us sadness and joy. We never pictured this path in our mind. We will cherish your pictures and always love you.

Responding to grieving parents

2009-11-06T10:28:00.008-06:00

Some people don’t know how to respond to a couple who have lost their baby. I remember when we lost Hannah a lady called her “A sick baby”. Her comments were wrong and insensitive.

Being a good listener is the best thing you could do. They don’t need your opinion; they just need a person who is ready to hear their story.

The best thing to say is: I am sorry, you are going through a hard time, is there anything that I could do for you, and listen to their concerns

Halloween

2009-10-30T14:37:00.007-05:00

In my fantasy I have a baby dressed up as a bee on Halloween, because it is my favorite costume. In reality there is no baby, and my life is a little different than others.

I enjoy watching other kids and their costume. If you are a parent who has lost a baby find a new way to enjoy Halloween. You may feel sad or depressed please acknowledge your feelings.

Changes in Your Life

2009-10-23T16:53:00.002-05:00

Some changes in your life are unpredictable, painful, and you can’t find a way to escape. Learn from painful events in your life, and do not forget it but find a way to move forward.

There is a poem which says” Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster man. But sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can”.

When looking back I enjoyed every moments of being with Hannah. I wanted to tell her stories about a red fish or a little frog who lives in our backyard but I was not able to do so.

Keeping Life Interesting

2009-10-16T18:45:00.004-05:00

Some life experiences are difficult to handle, and people have right to choose. Do you want to be a victim or survivor?

You will need a good support from your family members. We as a couple supported each other and we understood the power of love and togetherness.

I also took long walks, paid attention to world around me, cleaned the house, and occupied my spare time with reading and baking, and this helped me to feel good about myself.

Cake

2009-10-09T11:49:00.006-05:00

My passion is baking and it helped me to deal with stressful events in my life. So use your hobbies to cope with painful events in your life if it is possible.
When I bake a cake or bread I forget my pain, and create something nice, this way I reduce my anxiety level. I am posting sample of my cakes.

Hobby

2009-09-27T16:04:00.003-05:00

When you are dealing with loss of a loved one or any stressful situation, you have to take care of yourself. Sleep as much as you need, have a balanced diet, and pay attention to your relationships.

My hobby is baking different kind of breads and french pastry, it helped me to cope with my sadness and grief. Today I see myself strong enough to help others to cope with their loss. I will post some of my baking samples in next postings.

Complicated Grief

2009-09-25T12:10:00.002-05:00

In previous note I have mentioned about complicated grief. It is the same as normal grief but the duration is longer and intensity is higher.

We have lost Hannah, and were grieving for our loss, and then we lost hope. The second loss complicated our grief. We couldn’t understand why it happened to us.

We needed more time to heal. As you know everyone has her/his own way of dealing with painful events. You may need more time to heal, so take your time and try to write about your feelings, it helps.

A Life Experience

2009-09-21T14:01:00.002-05:00

These days many people are dealing with unemployment, I remember three months after loosing Hannah my husband lost his job. Imagine you have just lost your baby, and there is another challenge in your life.

We were worried about our future while we were dealing with a complicated grief.
We have faced whole year unemployment and it was very difficult for both of us. I believe there are some parents who have faced challenges similar to ours.

As a human being you have a choice to be a victim or survivor of challenges in your life. So we supported each other to pass those stormy days.

I want to hear your stories

2009-09-20T13:38:00.002-05:00

Some people have a hard time to talk about their feelings. Expressing your painful feelings will help you to accept the reality of your life.

If you are a parent of a premature baby or an still born baby I would like to hear
From you. How did you cope with this tragedy in your life?

I have written my story, because I want to share my experience with those who are struggling in NICU units or those who have lost their babies recently.

A note

2009-07-20T16:39:00.001-05:00

In every anniversary please arrange sometime to take flowers to grave side, write a nice note, and read it on your baby’s grave.
For some dealing with loss will take a long time. Talk about your grief, write a journal, and in especial cases receive help from professionals. Please don’t expect that you have to move on, and forget about your baby.
On July 15, we took nice flowers to Hannah and Hope’s graveside, and sat there for a while. July 15 is an especial day for us, so in your especial day please think of a special ritual to carry on for many years.

Music Box

2009-06-23T19:57:00.003-05:00

I remember I used to play a music box for hope, and she was responded me by her movements. Last time that I played the music box was a day before of loosing her.
I remember after music box stopped, I felt a tremendous amount of sadness without any reason. Today I believe we said our goodbye that day, and the morning after that she was gone.
Now after 6 years still when I look at that Italian music box I feel sad. I didn't play it since then.

Hope’s story

2009-06-21T14:05:00.005-05:00

My second baby hope was a stillborn baby on July 15, 2003. She was about a 26 weeks.
It is a difficult moment when you say hello to a silent baby.
The experience was unbelievably painful, I remember that the room was so quiet, and we as a parents were in shock. Now after many years still I experience the same confusing feelings that I had then.
Why we have to loose another baby? Sometime there are no answers; you just learn to accept the things that you do not have control over it.
I will write more about my second loss, it is so painful to continue writing about it now.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T09:56:00.002-05:00

I believe mother’s day is a painful day for parents who have lost a baby. You could remember all good days that you had with your baby. When I feel sad I look at my pictures with Hannah, after all we were parents for a short time.
Your baby is in your heart remember the nice things about him/her. Life always have unexpected events. We have a choice to cope with events in a healthy way or otherwise.
Today is my mother’s 20th anniversary, and I miss her.

Long-term Grief

2009-04-21T22:14:00.001-05:00

Once I have read that “grief is not something that you will conquer quickly, the process may take months or years”. For us it took a long time to cope with a loss, and we could have problems in our marriage as a couple due to high level of anxiety. Fortunately we stick together, and navigated stormy days together while we both had different ways of dealing with loss. I was eager to talk about it, and my husband was quiet.

Reading the story of footprints in the sand helped me to understand that life always have plans for you, even when you don’t understand it. Just wanted to share one more thing that we learned from Hanna’s life story, and there are more to come.

Life after Hannah

2009-04-13T22:10:00.002-05:00

Coming home after burial was extremely difficult. We did not think people could understand the amount of our pain. We were even feeling sorry for ourselves while some people probably thought it was just a baby.

We created special ritual for our self by visiting Hannah’s graveside every anniversary, or any ordinary day that we felt a need for it. Seeing other lost babies helped us to understand we were not alone.

Life always have unexpected events for you, and you have a choice to deal with it in a healthy way or otherwise. We will miss Hannah.

Pink

2009-03-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

In July 15, 2002 we said goodbye to Hannah. Her parents were the only one in her private funeral. She was berried in her pink dress, and we had arranged pink flowers for her graveside. It was sad, quiet, unbelievable, and unreal. You suppose to take your baby home and witness their laugh, walk and all natural developmental processes. I still feel sad and pressure in my heart when I remember that day. I am sure my husband feels the same way. We were in shock and couldn’t make any sense of the situation. We decided to plant a tree at her graveside, and now we have a nice Crape Myrtle tree with pink blossoms. It was hard then and it is hard now, and it will be hard forever to talk about that day.

Postpartum Blues

2009-03-15T22:38:00.001-05:00

Parents should be aware of postpartum depression, and pay attention to symptoms. I remember while Hannah was in NICU, I used to cry more easily than usual, and felt sad without any reason.

My husband and I were both very anxious, and each one of us had our own way of dealing with anxiety. I used to cry for no reason while my husband used to stay quiet. I am sure so many other parents have experienced something similar to this. Every evening we were spending time with our daughter in hospital, and having good times as a family one day and getting anxious in another day due to medical interventions.

If you are a parent of a precious baby in NICU, please pay attention to your wife, and ask yourself this question: “Am I seeing some of pregnancy blues symptoms in my wife?”. If you do, please read about the symptoms, talk with your doctor, and even get help from a psychotherapist.

Memories

2009-03-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

We have enjoyed holding Hannah during our visit at NICU, and she seemed enjoying skin-to-skin touch as much as we did. She looked calmer while any of us held her.

Holding your baby helps you to establish a bound with her/him, and it can be a best part of your memory. When I remember those moments, I feel good.

We have been able to take pictures, and record some videotapes of our moments with her. Pictures helped me to remember our days spent with her. I remember that she was able to recognize us, and she always opened her eyes when we were by her crib.

Last year I had to visit NICU unit to meet with one of my colleague. When I was noticing those tinny babies, I remembered our experience with Hannah and being anxious and powerless just like those parents. I then started feeling sympathy for parents in that particular room.

Hannah’s Story

2009-03-10T20:00:00.001-05:00

All parents who have entered NICU are aware of tremendous emotional challenges; good & bad days. Some people have a positive outcome, which is great and miraculous. Some like my husband and I have a different story to tell.

Hannah was our first baby. She was born on March 4, 2002 at 28 weeks of pregnancy, and just like other premature babies she suffered from many complications due to prematurity. It took us a long time to cope with the event, and now I am able to write our story.

Loosing a baby is upsetting and can lead to worry, guilt, anger, marital problems, depression, and so many other things. After loosing Hannah in July 15 of 2002, I experienced emptiness and guilt. Why did I have a preterm labor? What could I do to prevent that?

I believe love never dies with loosing a loved one; Hannah is going to be in our hearts forever. As a couple, we never pictured this path in our mind. We were parents for a short time, and we had to make huge decisions regarding our daughter Hannah.

When I look back, I would feel we have done all in our power to keep Hannah alive, and destiny painted a different outcome for us. I hope writing about my experience will help those who have been there, or those who are experiencing it right now. I am looking forward to hear your stories.

2009-03-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

Every difficult moment has a turning point, and I will share my story soon.